Anxiety. Overwhelm. Paranoia, to some extent. These have been part of my life for a while, and have become more prevalent since I had Holly. I’m a perfectionist. I’ve always wanted people to think the best of me. I like everything to be “just so” and if it’s not, I can’t cope. That feeling of being judged is the worst.
I put immense pressure on myself to be the best mother to Holly, the best wife to Mr R, the best at running my business, have a tidy house which looks nice, have a nice garden, keep fit, look after my gran when she needs it, be a good friend – what about me? Where do I figure in all this? I don’t. I’ve got too many plates in the air.
Therein lies the problem. My self care regime is non existant. As I write this, it’s the school holidays. It’s also peak wedding season, so my work is crazy busy but I have to limit my work so I can look after Holly. I’m up early to work before Holly wakes, then pause work to spend the day with her, then pick up work again when she’s in bed. It’s exhausting. There is no time for me. I’m running myself into the ground taking care of everyone, and ultimately I’m failing them all.
This is when the feelings of overwhelm kick in. Like I can’t cope with the amount of things I have to do today. I’m not good enough. I feel panicked. I feel irritable.
This has to stop.
I’ve tried to limit the amount of things I have to do in a day. I tried to cut loose some of the more needy “friends” as I just don’t have anything left to give them, and I’ll only work on those relationships that work both ways. I’ve reduced my workload. I’ve split my workload into daily “manageable” amounts. Ultimately though, I need to be kinder to myself. Does it matter if the house isn’t vacuumed every day? Does it matter if we don’t eat a freshly cooked from scratch meal every night? Holly and Mr R would be just as happy with pizza! Does it matter if there are weeds in my flower beds? No, of course not. I need to give myself permission to take an hour to myself, to read a book, take a walk or just sit and enjoy a tea without feeling guilty.
If you’re struggling with a mental health issue, Mind has some great resources. Alternatively, book an appointment with your GP x